[The emptiness... really doesn't help right now, even though he's had some time since yesterday to come to grips with what happened. Because he has to. Because he's still alive. Because despite the fact that he was completely resolved to die yesterday, he's been here too many times not to know what comes next.
He gets up. He keeps going, one foot in front of the other until finally -- no, until he has to step down. He just hasn't picked himself back up yet. Because they have a long road ahead of them and he can't quite look down it yet.
Lenka's hands have clenched into fists at some point, white-knuckled.]
[Red doesn't back up, nor does she approach Lenka. She merely stays where she is. Unless Lenka attacks her or does something drastic, she probably won't move at all.
[He doesn't move, either, letting the distance stay there.
There's a silence for a long moment, while he struggles -- part of this is his own fault, the part where he probably should have trusted her less, or not at all, but despite himself he still had. Lenka is still new, in some ways, to the ways in which people turn on each other: despite the bleakness of his home, humanity really had pulled together in the ways it best knew how. So it's like that sense of betrayal from the beginning of the trial when he'd thought she was carrying out something like what Dan had wanted.
It's a little more cutting. A lot more conflicted. There's a lot about Red he doesn't know how to interpret anymore. But.]
Why did it have to be her? Why... why not me? I would have been fine with it. All of it.
[He still doesn't know why Red tried to stop him.
A part of him still feels it would have been better. He knows what it feels like, what happened to Lillith, in some ways. That's the least of what happens to people when they tangle with Aragami. And he... he doesn't know what will come after. But he'd accepted that risk, too, when he'd offered.]
[She should have expected that question, but she still doesn't know how to answer it.
Instead, she glances down, unable to look at Lenka for a moment. As she does that, she fiddles with the faded yellow friendship bracelet on her right wrist.]
I don't like seeing righteous people sacrificing themselves like that. Especially not when I'm the one who has to kill them for it.
I know your life is already short, but you deserve to live.
[That's the thing that pulls him up short, somehow -- not when I'm the one who has to kill them for it -- because he'd probably heard something like it, recently. Not here. Back where he came from, when his team had learned exactly what kind of price he'd paid to defeat Dyaus Pita and what kind of price he would keep paying to lead them. Lenka stares at her for a moment, his eyes caught by the friendship bracelet as he puts some things back together.
He knows his choices are selfish -- here at camp or at home, sacrifice is at its core a kind of selfish thing when it's like this. He knows what kind of hole he was digging this last week, even if he couldn't quite stop himself. And he... thinks of his talk with Cielo, the night before, and is a little grateful that he waited to come talk to her.
He's not strong enough, on his own, to be as righteous as people seem to think he is. But...]
... I'm sorry. [he still doesn't agree with what she did, and he doesn't know if he'll ever accept it, but he feels like he should say that much] If that happened before. Someone sacrificing themselves like that.
[Because while he doesn't know exactly how that feels, because he's never killed anyone, he knows what the aftermath of it feels like. It wasn't fair of him, he knows.]
[He doesn't take it as a threat; but he also can't commit to a promise he's not sure yet how to keep. There's a little strength in his voice now, though, more than there was last night and maybe a little less brittle than last week.
Because that's what he does: he keeps going, whether on his knees or not. Covered in mud, or stepping over corpses and all the blood in their bodies; that's the kind of world that made him into what he is. Little by little, he's pulling it back together. His hope, perhaps, or just his stubborn willfulness.
Because he wants to help the people here, no matter what. It's always the people around him who help to show him the way.]
Red, there's something I need to know. You're the Facilitator. You enforce the rules. [at least, that's what he'd gotten out of the vague memories after the moose, people shouting] Who... makes the rules?
[Someone had decided that Red needed to kill people. Someone had decided all of this. Even if he were still truly angry with her, Lenka thinks that turning against her would have all the effect of turning against the Pastor. He wants to go for the jugular.]
[If the topic weren't so dire it would have come out much drier than it does.
Lenka frowns at this particular evasion, brows lowering and trying to connect dots he likely doesn't have yet. He probably doesn't have enough and won't be given enough to get too much further on this line of questioning. But he can't drop it yet.]
[He's briefly startled -- not because he disagrees with Red's assessment, because despite everything he's always felt drawn to her and her way of doing things, somehow. Even when it was incomprehensible. Some of it might have been that the only other options were... Stan and the Pastor. But otherwise... Red is someone he could have felt comfortable on the battlefield with, in other and vastly different circumstances.
That's what he'd thought, up until now.
What surprises him is that she seems to acknowledge it, too.]
What sort of people could meet... someone like that?
I talk to them regularly, as part of my job. But they're cruel people, Lenka. They're horrible, horrible people, and the only reason they walk free is because there are things much, much worse than them out there. Trust me when I say you don't want to talk to them.
[It's not quite flippant, but it's a quick and unvarnished summary of his thoughts at this point -- before he's done much planning, before he has enough information, just raw and unpolished reaction. He doesn't like whoever it is that made the rules, even if Red's assessment of them says a few different things; the fact that the consequences are so gruesome while the rules themselves sound... like that...
It reminds him of Stan, a little, and that's not a good thing.
He shakes his head and speaks a little more seriously.]
But I need to understand them first. So... [he falls silent for a moment, frowning again] There's one thing I don't get. What was that voice, last week? If the camp rules are... the way they are, then it shouldn't be part of camp.
[It doesn't make any sense. It feels like they were caught between two opposing forces, both of which could only end in death. As messed up as this camp has been, is this the sort of place where that's supposed to happen?]
If... we hear it again, it won't mean anything good. And it has power. It wasn't bluffing, last week.
[He doesn't exactly remember the quality of the voice, through the darkness and chaos of what came after, but there's something nagging at him about it. Something he should remember. Something he should know. He's torn between wanting to confirm it and hoping against hope he never has to hear it again.
There's something in him that still wants to curl up and close his eyes and stop up his ears at the thought of going through the last week again. He ignores it. There's been enough of that.]
... All right. There's... [there's something else, something that pushes a little more urgency in his voice] I don't know how much time we'll have.
[He doesn't want to run out of time again. He still feels like... he should have been better prepared, this last week. Better and faster. Smarter. He doesn't know, exactly, what he could have done. But there had to have been things he'd missed.
It had been hard to see clearly. But:]
The weekend. I don't know why. But that was the deadline, this time.
[He blinks for a moment. Right, she might... still not know. He'd assumed that someone would have come to her demanding answers a while ago, and he had himself, in a way. But maybe none of them had been clear enough. It had been pretty chaotic back then.]
Do you remember, when I asked you about sacrifices?
The voice wanted us to kill someone. It said that if we didn't, the sickness last week would kill all of us. [he stumbles to a stop for a moment] ... That's why Lillith did what she did.
[It was why... last week had gone the way it had gone. All of it.]
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2018-06-10 07:08 pm (UTC)[The emptiness... really doesn't help right now, even though he's had some time since yesterday to come to grips with what happened. Because he has to. Because he's still alive. Because despite the fact that he was completely resolved to die yesterday, he's been here too many times not to know what comes next.
He gets up. He keeps going, one foot in front of the other until finally -- no, until he has to step down. He just hasn't picked himself back up yet. Because they have a long road ahead of them and he can't quite look down it yet.
Lenka's hands have clenched into fists at some point, white-knuckled.]
What did she die for? Red.
no subject
Date: 2018-06-11 05:21 am (UTC)Her voice still sounds empty as she speaks.]
She died so that nobody else would have to.
no subject
Date: 2018-06-11 09:05 am (UTC)There's a silence for a long moment, while he struggles -- part of this is his own fault, the part where he probably should have trusted her less, or not at all, but despite himself he still had. Lenka is still new, in some ways, to the ways in which people turn on each other: despite the bleakness of his home, humanity really had pulled together in the ways it best knew how. So it's like that sense of betrayal from the beginning of the trial when he'd thought she was carrying out something like what Dan had wanted.
It's a little more cutting. A lot more conflicted. There's a lot about Red he doesn't know how to interpret anymore. But.]
Why did it have to be her? Why... why not me? I would have been fine with it. All of it.
[He still doesn't know why Red tried to stop him.
A part of him still feels it would have been better. He knows what it feels like, what happened to Lillith, in some ways. That's the least of what happens to people when they tangle with Aragami. And he... he doesn't know what will come after. But he'd accepted that risk, too, when he'd offered.]
no subject
Date: 2018-06-11 03:18 pm (UTC)Instead, she glances down, unable to look at Lenka for a moment. As she does that, she fiddles with the faded yellow friendship bracelet on her right wrist.]
I don't like seeing righteous people sacrificing themselves like that. Especially not when I'm the one who has to kill them for it.
I know your life is already short, but you deserve to live.
no subject
Date: 2018-06-11 06:25 pm (UTC)He knows his choices are selfish -- here at camp or at home, sacrifice is at its core a kind of selfish thing when it's like this. He knows what kind of hole he was digging this last week, even if he couldn't quite stop himself. And he... thinks of his talk with Cielo, the night before, and is a little grateful that he waited to come talk to her.
He's not strong enough, on his own, to be as righteous as people seem to think he is. But...]
... I'm sorry. [he still doesn't agree with what she did, and he doesn't know if he'll ever accept it, but he feels like he should say that much] If that happened before. Someone sacrificing themselves like that.
[Because while he doesn't know exactly how that feels, because he's never killed anyone, he knows what the aftermath of it feels like. It wasn't fair of him, he knows.]
no subject
Date: 2018-06-11 06:32 pm (UTC)If you are sorry, then don't do it yourself. Don't make me kill you.
[That's not a threat, that's an honest request on her part.]
no subject
Date: 2018-06-11 07:35 pm (UTC)[He doesn't take it as a threat; but he also can't commit to a promise he's not sure yet how to keep. There's a little strength in his voice now, though, more than there was last night and maybe a little less brittle than last week.
Because that's what he does: he keeps going, whether on his knees or not. Covered in mud, or stepping over corpses and all the blood in their bodies; that's the kind of world that made him into what he is. Little by little, he's pulling it back together. His hope, perhaps, or just his stubborn willfulness.
Because he wants to help the people here, no matter what. It's always the people around him who help to show him the way.]
Red, there's something I need to know. You're the Facilitator. You enforce the rules. [at least, that's what he'd gotten out of the vague memories after the moose, people shouting] Who... makes the rules?
[Someone had decided that Red needed to kill people. Someone had decided all of this. Even if he were still truly angry with her, Lenka thinks that turning against her would have all the effect of turning against the Pastor. He wants to go for the jugular.]
no subject
Date: 2018-06-11 11:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-06-11 11:28 pm (UTC)[If the topic weren't so dire it would have come out much drier than it does.
Lenka frowns at this particular evasion, brows lowering and trying to connect dots he likely doesn't have yet. He probably doesn't have enough and won't be given enough to get too much further on this line of questioning. But he can't drop it yet.]
It's possible, though? To meet them.
no subject
Date: 2018-06-12 02:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-06-12 03:47 am (UTC)[He's briefly startled -- not because he disagrees with Red's assessment, because despite everything he's always felt drawn to her and her way of doing things, somehow. Even when it was incomprehensible. Some of it might have been that the only other options were... Stan and the Pastor. But otherwise... Red is someone he could have felt comfortable on the battlefield with, in other and vastly different circumstances.
That's what he'd thought, up until now.
What surprises him is that she seems to acknowledge it, too.]
What sort of people could meet... someone like that?
no subject
Date: 2018-06-12 03:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-06-12 04:09 am (UTC)[It's not quite flippant, but it's a quick and unvarnished summary of his thoughts at this point -- before he's done much planning, before he has enough information, just raw and unpolished reaction. He doesn't like whoever it is that made the rules, even if Red's assessment of them says a few different things; the fact that the consequences are so gruesome while the rules themselves sound... like that...
It reminds him of Stan, a little, and that's not a good thing.
He shakes his head and speaks a little more seriously.]
But I need to understand them first. So... [he falls silent for a moment, frowning again] There's one thing I don't get. What was that voice, last week? If the camp rules are... the way they are, then it shouldn't be part of camp.
[It doesn't make any sense. It feels like they were caught between two opposing forces, both of which could only end in death. As messed up as this camp has been, is this the sort of place where that's supposed to happen?]
no subject
Date: 2018-06-12 04:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-06-12 04:43 am (UTC)[He has his own suspicions, but only one week in, he doesn't have enough to put it together.]
no subject
Date: 2018-06-12 04:49 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-06-12 05:08 am (UTC)[It's matter-of-fact.]
If... we hear it again, it won't mean anything good. And it has power. It wasn't bluffing, last week.
[He doesn't exactly remember the quality of the voice, through the darkness and chaos of what came after, but there's something nagging at him about it. Something he should remember. Something he should know. He's torn between wanting to confirm it and hoping against hope he never has to hear it again.
There's something in him that still wants to curl up and close his eyes and stop up his ears at the thought of going through the last week again. He ignores it. There's been enough of that.]
no subject
Date: 2018-06-12 05:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-06-12 06:27 am (UTC)[He doesn't want to run out of time again. He still feels like... he should have been better prepared, this last week. Better and faster. Smarter. He doesn't know, exactly, what he could have done. But there had to have been things he'd missed.
It had been hard to see clearly. But:]
The weekend. I don't know why. But that was the deadline, this time.
no subject
Date: 2018-06-12 03:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-06-12 04:06 pm (UTC)Do you remember, when I asked you about sacrifices?
The voice wanted us to kill someone. It said that if we didn't, the sickness last week would kill all of us. [he stumbles to a stop for a moment] ... That's why Lillith did what she did.
[It was why... last week had gone the way it had gone. All of it.]
no subject
Date: 2018-06-12 09:04 pm (UTC)[Red definitely doesn't have an answer for that. Instead, she glances to her computer.]
Lenka, I need to ask you to leave for a bit. I have some work to do.
[He's free to stop by later, though.]
no subject
Date: 2018-06-12 09:23 pm (UTC)I'll... come back.
[He's tired, too, though he's glad he came.
There are some other things he needs to talk over with others, perhaps, before he comes again.]