Camp: private conversations

[backspacing]

Respond here for a private conversation with Red! All comment threads are screened.

Comments

let's say wednesday

[diesifkilled]

[At some point reasonably close to a mealtime, there is a knock on Red's door. She might also catch a whiff of a spicy scent coming through? HMM WHAT COULD THIS BE]

[backspacing]

[As if she wouldn't recognize the smell of spicy curry. HI SHIROU.]

Ah, so you made it? I've been looking forward to this, you know. I haven't had good curry in years.

[diesifkilled]

Of course I did. I promised, didn't I?

[He's got a tray with a bowl Extremely Spicy chicken curry and the obligatory accompaniment of rice. He glances around a bit for a convenient surface to set it on.]

Hopefully you'll be satisfied with this. I made it a lot spicier than usual.

[backspacing]

I doubt I'll be disappointed.

[She takes the dish and eats a bite of it.

And then she frowns thoughtfully. Not in the 'it's too hot' or 'it's disgusting' way, but more like she's realizing something she wasn't expecting.]

Shirou, where did you learn how to make this?

[diesifkilled]

Hm?

[Oh nooooo is there something wrong with it]

I don't really remember. Probably a cooking show or something, that's how I learned most of my recipes.

[backspacing]

[There's nothing wrong with it actually.]

...hmm. He must have watched the same show then.

[That last part is murmured to herself before she eats more of it.]

Thank you, Shirou. It's very delicious.

[diesifkilled]

[??? Who could that muttering be about I FUCKING WONDER]

I'm glad you like it. It felt like you should get something nice, since... well, all of this.

[backspacing]

Some people would say I don't deserve anything nice because of all of this.

[She says it wryly, but she's making a joke.]

But thank you.

[diesifkilled]

Well, I mean...

[He scratches at his head, a little awkward.]

I don't agree with the stuff you do here, but I don't think you're a bad person yourself? So...

[backspacing]

...that's very sweet of you.

[diesifkilled]

I don't know about sweet, it's just my honest opinion. And it's not like I won't still stop all this if I can.

[backspacing]

I understand. It's normal to want to stop it. But the thought is still sweet.

[diesifkilled]

[He nods and just sits there quietly for a moment, watching her eat.]

...There's going to be another murder tomorrow, isn't there?

[backspacing]

[That does make her pause in her eating for a moment.]

Hopefully not.

[diesifkilled]

Are you really hoping that too?

[backspacing]

I don't like having to kill any of you, you know.

[diesifkilled]

Yeah, but isn't that supposedly necessary or something? For the sacrifices or whatever?

[backspacing]

I don't have to enjoy my job to do it. Did you enjoy any of the deaths you caused?

[diesifkilled]

That's not the same thing at all!

[The Servants that had been killed, Shinji's death at Illya's hands, Kirei... he definitely hadn't enjoyed any of those. It had all been necessary to prevent further harm to innocents.

Isn't that what Red's been implying is her job as well?]

...No. There's one big difference. Saber and I never killed innocent people. We only fought people who hurt others.

[backspacing]

So you think everything you did was justified, and that nobody who was hurt by your actions didn't deserve it?

[diesifkilled]

...

[He thinks about Shinji. He'd done awful things, sure, but did he really deserve to die the way he did?

He thinks about Rider, who'd just been saddled with a bad Master and didn't have any choice in the matter.

He thinks about the people at the school, hundreds injured and traumatised because he hadn't stopped Shinji soon enough.

He thinks about Archer sacrificing his life just to buy them time.

He thinks about Saber.

And then, because that's what it always comes back to, he thinks of the fire. He was the only one who survived. That guilt is always there, and it ties itself into everything he does.]

I...

[There's nothing he can say. He can't justify any of his failures.]

[backspacing]

[Okay, good. If his relative silence is anything to go by, it seems that he got her point.]

I am not trying to escape judgement for what I have done. I know the conversations Saint Peter will be having with me.

But saying 'at least I'm not as bad as that' is a poor justification, and a very quick way to pull yourself down as well.

[diesifkilled]

[If by "got her point" you mean "got punched in the survivor's guilt" then yes good job Red.]

...I know I'm far from perfect. I've made plenty of mistakes. But if you think that's going to make me change my mind, you're wrong.

[backspacing]

think what you like.

Just remember this: Judging others by their actions while judging yourself by your intentions is a very quick way to make mistakes.

[diesifkilled]

It'd be easier to judge you by your intentions if I knew what they were.